Title: I Won't Say Goodbye

Author: Cassia

Category: Vignette, angst, heartbreak, grief.

Rated: G-PG

Archive: Early Years & Jedi Apprentice/Padawan Journals

Disclaimer:  The Star Wars Characters and events belong to

George Lucas and George Lucas alone.  I have no permission

to use them, and I receive no money for doing so.

Summary: An entry from Obi-Wan's journal the day after Qui-

Gon died.  There is no plot.  This is a dealing-with-grief

piece.

Time frame: During TMP, about an hour before Qui-Gon's

funeral. 

 

Note:

I don't usually write stuff like this.  In fact, to be

truthful, I used to carefully avoid even reading stories or shorts that

dealt with the time frame surrounding Qui-Gon's death.  I

could barely stand to watch the end of the movie and just

liked to pretend that it never happened.

That was until my Grandfather died on the 14th. 

It's funny how having experienced real death makes dealing with imaginary

death easier.

I was right there when my Grandpa died, even if it wasn't in my arms.  I'd

never seen death before, never had anyone I loved pass into

that eternal sleep. 

It was beautiful in an odd way, but it was also very difficult.  These two

stories, "I Won't Say Goodbye" and "How Hard Can it Be?" are my response

to those events.  This piece was written two days after my Grandfather died.  At points it mirrors my own journal entries, at points it is totally an Obi point of view. 

Writing is a catharsis for me, a way to deal with what I'm feeling so I

apologize in advance for these rather short, choppy bits.  I know this

piece seems to end unresolved, but that's because I don't have any answers

to give.

Thanks for listening to me ramble and for putting up with me.

--Cassia

 

 

I Won't Say Goodbye.

 

 

                                                Standard Date

                                                40-16-0002

 

 

Data pad online. 

Journal function activated

Recording.

 

 

I do not usually find the time to record my thought or

feelings in this manor.  There always seem to be so much

else to do that journal keeping falls by the wayside. 

Besides, I could always go to my Maser if I had something

on my heart that needed to be expressed, but now...

 

Oh Master!  Do you know how much I miss you?  It has barley

been two days since you died and yet it already feels an

age that I have been without you.  And yet, at the same

time, it does not seem quite real.  I still feel as if at

any moment I will look up and see you walk in the door,

your tall frame blocking the view of the hall in the way I

always remember.

 

There are so many small things I remember about you now

that I took for granted before; yet it is these things that

I miss the most.  The little motions you would make during

negotiations that let me know what you were really thinking

or feeling about the situation, the small turns of phrase

that you always used, the way you were always telling me to

focus on the moment... you don't know how much I would give

to hear you give me one of those lectures now, although I

always hated them when you were alive.  Maybe you really

never do appreciate what you have until it is gone.  Or at

least, maybe it just becomes suddenly more important. 

 

For thirteen years Qui-Gon Jinn has been like a father to

me, and now he is gone.  Yes, I know he is one with the

Force and will never truly leave me, and I will see him

again one day, but... It's not the same.

 

I did not expect him to live forever, but I don't think you

can ever be ready for death, not even when you stare it in

the face everyday as Qui-Gon and I did. 

 

I feel as if I am living in a semi-void, as if when Qui-Gon

died he took with him all the light in my life.

I front of everyone else, I must be strong, I must be the

dutiful Jedi who shows no emotion that they all expect. 

They need me to be strong; Anakin needs me to be strong. 

Good grief that child didn't need any more grief right now.

 

Here however, alone in the privacy of this room in the

Theed Palace that Queen Amidala has given me until it is

time to leave, I can grieve.  I can cry.

 

Jedi cry?  Oh yes, we cry; I cry.

 

I may be a Jedi, but I am also a human being with a heart,

a fact that is too often lost or forgotten under the title

of "Jedi". 

 

I cry and cry until my eyes hurt and my throat aches, I cry

every time I think of him, but I don't care!  I want to

remember!  I want to remember every little thing about him

until it is indelibly etched into my mind!  And, as strange

as it sounds, I want to cry.

 

I want to cry and cry and never stop because at least in

crying there is relief, there is an outlet for all the

grief in my heart, all the pain that threatens to strangle

me.  It is when the tears cease that I dread, because when

they end the emptiness becomes unbearable.  When the tears

dry up they are replaced by a dead, empty, depressed

feeling that gnaws my insides like a vrelk.

 

I do not weep for Qui-Gon, because I know that if he went,

then it was his time and it was the will of the Force.  He

is in a better place and I know I will see him again.  Why

then do I feel so sad?  I don't know.

 

Perhaps because I don't know how I will live never seeing

his beloved face again, never hearing his rare, but warm

laugh or the way he would call me Padawan...

 

Oh Force!  My heart is a bleeding wound and I don't know

how to bandage it.  No matter how calm I appear on the

outside, inside I am a wreck. 

 

I look out upon this city's many beauties, both natural and

man-made, but I don't see them.  All I see, again and again

is the scene in the generator room, playing itself over and

over before my eyes and making everything else seem a cold,

distant, unreal shadow.

 

He died in my arms!  In my arms for Force's sake!  Yet I am

glad it happened so, at least I was there.  At least he

didn't have to die alone, or with strangers who cared

nothing for him.

 

I never imagined it could be so hard to say goodbye. 

Can it be that after all my training, I am still not ready for

so simple a thing?

Or perhaps it is because goodbye is the wrong word.

Goodbye is much, much too hard, so I won't say goodbye. 

Instead I'll say: see you later.  But oh how I'll miss you until then. 

 

Night is falling now, the Council is deliberating on

whether or not they will allow Anakin to be my Padawan

learner and on whether or not I will be allowed to obtain

the title of Knight.  Of this last, I am not concerned.  It

is far too late in my apprenticeship to pair me with a new

Master and I do not believe that they will simply drop me

because I no longer have a teacher.  Qui-Gon thought I was

ready, now I guess I'll have to be.

 

After their decision, we will have the funeral.

I take Anakin at Qui-Gon's request, perhaps against my

better judgement, but I do it also because in Ani I see a

little boy who wants only to be a Jedi win every fiber of

his being.  This I understand very well.

 

Can I deny him his dream?  Can I make him feel as unwanted

as I felt as a child?  I fear I already have.

 

I know the child is grieving, but so am I and I have little

comfort to give him though I will try.

 

I thought this would start getting at least a little better

soon.  After all, the first day should be the worst and

then it should start to get easier, shouldn't' it? 

Apparently not.  In fact, it's just getting worse.

 

I feel as if I am searching for something, but for what I

do not know.

It's not peace, no, I have peace about this already, so it

must be something else.

Comfort perhaps.

 

I have no one to talk to about how I feel, Qui-Gon is gone

and I fear that the strain of this Anakin situation has

made it difficult if not impossible for me to talk to the

only other person who might have understood.  I wish I

could have Yoda's council on this, and yet, wisdom is not

really what I want right now, not what I need. 

 

What I need no one can give me.

I don't even know what it is.

I feel so lost, so alone.

 

I'm looking for something, but I know not what.

 

Perhaps tonight after the funeral I will take a walk alone

in the palace gardens. 

I want to see the stars.

 

                                                      Obi-Wan Kenobi